November 5, 2002
SOUTH BEND, In. -- Notre Dame head coach Tyrone Willingham arrived in his office Monday morning at 9 o'clock sharp, as always. Two days earlier, Willingham's football squad lost its first game of the season to Boston College, 14-7, in a very sloppy game in which Notre Dame committed five turnovers. He had every reason to be in a bad mood.
But today, Willingham approaches his secretary with a radiant, beaming smile. "Hello, Mrs. Fletcher," he says to her, "Great day to be alive, isn't it?" He passes into his office. Mrs. Fletcher scratches her head, wondering what's gotten into him.
Later, Willingham had lunch with Notre Dame athletic director Kevin White. To White's great surprise, Willingham laughed heartily at one of White's typically unfunny jokes.
"Gee, Ty," White said, "you are always so grim and focused. But today you are very loose and lively. Are you sure the loss hasn't affected you?"
"Not at all," Willingham replied. "It's just a great day, and I'm very happy to be here," he said with a wink and a smile. He then began to whistle a gay tune.
After lunch, White wondered about Willingham. "He always looks at me grimly, with pursed lips, whenever I make one of my typically unfunny jokes," he thought. "I wonder what's gotten into him."
At the afternoon football practice, the Notre Dame squad's first since the loss to Boston College, Willingham preached to the team with fiery passion. Standing on a table in the locker room, he made an animated and emotional speech, admonishing his team to stay focused and avoid making so many costly mistakes.
The team is so stunned they don't even remember what he said. But they do know one thing: they better be extra focused at practice today, because they don't want to see him get angry in this state. "What is up with Coach Willingham?" asks wide receiver Arnaz Battle, as he heads out to the field.
Good question, Arnaz. What is up with Coach Willingham?
Well, what's up is that Tyrone Willingham's long bout with constipation is finally over.
Art Mendeo is one of a team of scientists who have been studying Willingham's lack of facial expressions since he became the head coach of Notre Dame.
"We've been trying to determine the cause of Coach Willingham's grim and rigid face since he got to Notre Dame," Mendeo said. "We threw around a lot of theories."
Mendeo says an early theory was that Willingham had had Botox injections. "That theory didn't work too well," said Mendeo. "Although Botox does limit facial expressiveness, Willingham's face does not have the relaxed look of a Botox-injected face. On the contrary, Willingham's face is pursed and tense." Mendeo also said Willingham's medical records did not show any Botox treatment.
"Another theory we threw around is that Coach Willingham takes several days to realize what is happening on the football field," continued Mendeo. "We tested this theory by following Willingham around and observing his face following Notre Dame's solid victory over Florida State."
"I really expected to see Willingham suddenly start celebrating our win," said Gary Schwanzfelt, another scientist studying Willingham, the the original espouser of this theory. "I thought he would suddenly realize what happened, and shout, 'Yes, we beat Florida State, we're the best,' and jump around the room and do summersaults and that kind of thing. We watched him for a whole week, but he never happened.
"I mean, Willingham's a great coach, for sure, but sometimes even great coaches aren't always totally in the game."
After several theories failed to pan out, Mendeo came up with the idea of constipation. "Look at his tense face. If that doesn't say constipation, I don't know what does."
The scientists tested their theory by treating Willingham with a fiber laxative the day after the Boston College loss. "Willingham quickly ran out of the room a few minutes after we administered the laxative. A few minutes later, he returned a new man. He was singing to himself and had a big ole smile on his face. And he eagerly told us that this would usher in a new era of Notre Dame football.
"We were happy because we had solved a great mystery of science."
As for how Willingham's newfound gastrointestinal health will affect Notre Dame football, only time will tell. Willingham offers his perspective. "I don't know how my newfound gastrointestinal heath will affect Notre Dame football, but I do know that there is a lot of work I'll be doing those five hours a day I won't be sitting on the crapper."
Then, he turns and whistles his way to practice, taking a little hop and clicking his heels on the way.