September 16, 2006
The Apocalypse. The Second Coming. The End of the World.
If the ominous whispers of many Roman Catholics over the past year were to be believed, these events were going to happen soon. Very soon. Like, beginning of next year soon. "The End Times are upon us," many Catholics said. "Jesus Christ is living among us right now, and soon He will reveal Himself in a blaze of glory."
Supposedly, the first sign of the upcoming Apocalypse occurred on December 12, 2004, with a foreboding revelation. However, it wasn't until the following year that the full significance of that event was realized. By the beginning of 2006, many Catholics were convinced that this was indeed the precursor to the world's end, and that Jesus Christ would reveal Himself early in 2007.
But today, all their hopes of a quick ascension into heaven and ultimate victory over evil were dashed, as it became clear that Charlie Weis is not, in fact, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
Notre Dame's home loss to Michigan, by a score of 47-21, was so abysmal that any pretensions Notre Dame fans had that Charlie Weis was the Son of God were utterly crushed.
Father Chuck Sagimins, professor of Theology at Notre Dame, explained. "We were deceived by a false prophet. Charlie Weis is not the Second Coming of Jesus. He's just yet another terrible coach we got as a result of a botched hiring."
"The signs were quite clear," he continued. "We saw the National Championship Game as Armageddon, the final battle. The catastrophic events of Revelation, were, of course, the global upheaval that a Notre Dame national championship would cause. And then Charlie Weis would come forth, revealing himself as the Savior, casting the wicked into Hell, and bringing the righteous up to Heaven.
"The signs seemed very clear at the time, but we were deceived. We now know that Charlie Weis is not the Son of God.
"That would be Bobby Petrino."