June 20, 2003
PARIS, Fr. -- This afternoon, France formally surrendered to a group of Iranian nationals who have been setting themselves on fire since last week. The Iranian nationals began the campaign of self-immolation in protest of the French government's crackdown on fringe groups living within the country. At least a dozen Iranian nationals have set themselves on fire so far, and the French government is concerned that hundreds more are waiting to immolate themselves.
French President Jacques Chirac told the French people in a nationally televised news conference that surrender was the practical solution. "We French are a proud people," he said. "However, in uncertain times such as these, sometimes the best decision is a decision of prudence. Already crippled by a dozen Iranian self-immolation attacks, and faced with the possibility of hundreds more, we decided that the prudent action is to surrender."
President Chirac's concern was felt strongly in Paris. Very few citizens braved the streets, preferring the relative safety of their homes. Many shops and sidewalk cafes were closed, and roads were clear.
Eteive Jare, a Parisian police officer, was one of the few Parisians on the streets. "I'm scared out of my mind to be out here, with all those Iranian terrorists burning themselves," he said. "But my job requires me to be here. Oh God, I'm so scared. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, but I have to put food on the table for my family. I only hope that Americans will take pity on us and save us again from this unspeakable terror."
Another Parisian walking the streets was Alessandre de Munde, who owns a cafe near the Eiffel Tower. It was business as usual for him, but he was very angry at President Chirac. "We don't have to sit down and let these menacing, self-immolating Iranians steamroll over the whole country. Sure, I'm just as scared of the Iranian nationals as the the next guy, but I'd rather die for a free France than be subject to a bunch of very mean Iranians who will frighten us to death. Vive le France!"
While Parisians mostly stayed home this afternoon, there seemed to be no dropoff in the number of tourists and Provencals (people who live in the provinces outside Paris) on the streets. Most Provencals seemed very much unaware of and unconcerned with the French surrender to the Iranian nationals.
"We've been through this before," said Jacques Aves, a supplier of the pharmaceutical drug buspirone from Nice, who was visiting Paris on business. "It seems like the French government surrenders pretty much every day. We don't concern ourselves with it too much out in the provinces. However, many of us do find the frequent surrenders good for business."
Likewise, the tourists were unconcerned about France's surrender. However, many tourists were rather annoyed that Paris shops and cafes were closed. American tourist Katie Wilson was one of them. "I don't like the fact that all these cafes are closed. I came to Paris for the unique culture, but it looks like Parisian culture is to lock yourself in your house when someone lights a match."
Asked if the Iranian self-immolators frightened her, Wilson said, "Are you kidding? I'm not from Paris. If some Iranian dude wants to light himself on fire, its his business."
De Munde appreciated the tourists' attitude. "I'm glad my cafe caters mostly to tourists, or I'd have no business today. Although I'm concerned about the safety of my customers, I can't afford to close shop."
Terms of the French surrender were not immediately known. However, it is known that the government of France will remain intact as a puppet regime. (The French government currently also serves as a puppet to several other countries and organizations it surrendered to, including Luxembourg, Basque separatists, Simon Cowell, French Guyana, the rock group KISS, Switzerland, Apple Computers, the Loch Ness Monster, and Poland.) Iranian nationals will have complete autonomy, and will be paid a "significant tribute," according to Darsi Mohammed Goula, an Iranian national present at the surrender ceremony.
Iranians living in France were overjoyed with their victory. "Finally," said Hakeem lani-Shebobbin, a spokesman for Iranian fringe groups in France, "Iranians will be free to set themselves on fire. This is a great day for all Iranians living in France; now we can show the evil Westerners the power of Islam and Iran by systematically killing ourselves."