Why I am not, and have yet to be, dating anyone

Last updated: Saturday, September 24, 2005, 5:56 PM EDT

I am 31 years old, have never had a girlfriend, and have never been on a date. I've never made it to first base. Hell, I've never even gone to bat.

And I am not in any hurry to change this.

First of all, I am perfectly happy being single.

Second, I don't have a deeply-rooted emotional need for close intimacy. In fact, too much closeness is likely to make me restless. I am the sort of person who values comfort over pleasure. And while a relationship can bring a lot of pleasure, it invariably brings much discomfort as well (at least it does for me). Constraints on my time and freedom, intrusion into my personal space, and bickering, all things that are common in any close relationship, are things that I find highly uncomfortable. And I'm very unwilling to sacrifice the comfort of not having these things.

I really can't overemphasize how unpleasant these things are to me. Most people seem to be willing to put up with these things to a great extent; I, simply, am not. At least, not unless there's a pretty high expected return.

And third, I am the kind of obstinate perfectionist that would make my partner feel exactly what I'm feeling. I certianly don't want to make her life a living hell any more than I want her to make mine one.

What I'm basically saying is, if I'm going to put up with the hell of a relationship, she better worth it. And she better think I'm worth it. Because if she's not worth it, or I'm not worth it, then it's not happening. And if there's no one around that's worth it, then I'm just going to be single. It's better to be single than to be with the wrong person. (Incidentally, this is a statement many people would claim to agree with. But the fact is, very few people actually believe it enough to put it into practice. I do.)

What does "worth it" mean? Well, it means the good qualities she brings offset the inevitable intrusiveness. It's quite an intangible to define exactly.

In my whole life, I have known only a handful of ladies who even remotely seemed like they might turn out to be worth it.

Things that females do that make them not worth it

A partial list. . . .

• Volunteering me to do something on Saturdays, when football is on.
• Forcing me to maintain a certain level of cleanliness at all times.
• Manipulating my personal belongings on the assumption that my belongings are "ours."
• Having veto power over any activity I plan not involving her.
• Calling me on the telephone too much.
• Making me buy feminine products.
• Taking me shopping.
• Expecting me to think about her 24/7.

A list of minimum criteria a woman must satisfy for me to consider her

Again, a partial list. Some of these are negotiable. But even someone meeting all these criteria will probably have something else wrong with her.

1. She must be pro-life.
2. She must be Christian (preferrably, Catholic).
3. She must have a P in her Myers-Briggs personality type (preferrably, NP).
4. She must not be a smoker.
5. She must be at worst a light drinker (preferrably, a non-drinker).
6. She must not use any sort of illegal drugs (preferrably, not too many legal ones).
7. She must not be a Communist, Green, Social Democrat, or any other sort of extreme left-winger (preferrably, not political at all).
8. She must not own, nor have any desire to own, any housepets except goldfish (preferrably, not even goldfish).
9. She must not be an early riser.
10. She must not be anxious or temperamental.
11. She must not have any body piercings except on the earlobes (preferably, not even the earlobes).
12. She must not be too afraid to fly in an airplane.
13. She must not be a University of Michigan alumna (preferably, nor should anyone in her family be).
14. She must not be interested in "cleaning up my mess."
15. She must be neither a vegetarian nor afraid to eat vegetables (preferrably, she must not be afraid to eat anything).
16. She must not be a yuppie.
17. She must not be a moralistic authoritarian (preferably, not a teacher).
18. She must not be a monomaniac (especially about food).
19. She must not want to live in the country (preferably, not in the suburbs).
20. She must not have kids.
21. She must not want to own an SUV.
22. She must not constantly bitch about the weather (preferrably, she should like snow).

Note

This weblog entry is partially, but not wholly, tongue-in-cheek.