Scarlett Johansson is ugly

Last updated: Tuesday, October 17, 2006, 9:39 PM EDT

Yeah, I said it.

But before you get all bent out of shape, let me put this statement into context. Keep in mind that Scarlett Johanssen is a celebrity, and celebrities have a much higher standard of beauty than your girlfriend.

The fact is, when it comes to appreciation of beauty, people have different standards for different situations. The average celebrity is very good looking compared to the average person on the street, and thus any descriptions of celebrities should be understood (by reasonable, non-overreacting people) to be relative to other celebrities. There is an expectation is that celebrities are very good-looking, so there's nothing ironic or hypocritical about criticizing the appearance of a celebrity who's still a lot better looking than the people you go out with.

I want you to keep this in mind, because when I say Scarlett Johansson is ugly, I don't mean relative to celebrities. She is a butt-ugly horse-face beast by any standard. Her face looks like it's permanently contorted to what a normal peron's face looks like when they're "playing piggy" for a baby. Except it's not contorted; that's her face. I almost expect her to start snorting. Bleah.

Don't even get me started on Laurie Dhue....